


Pillow Talk

by life_not_knife



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 17:43:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8810041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/life_not_knife/pseuds/life_not_knife
Summary: ‘When it comes to love, our greatest enemies are often ourselves.’





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Pillow Talk  
> Author: Life_Not_Knife  
> Pairing: Onkey  
> Rating: NC-17  
> Summary: ‘When it comes to love, our greatest enemies are often ourselves.’  
> Word Count: 2677  
> A/N: Okay, so this is a request fic in response to the following prompt:  
> Prompt: Onkey- nc17- pillowtalk by Zayn- lovers who know that they are wrong for each other but can't stay apart because their love means everything to them. Thank you for opening this :D can't wait to read your works ^^  
> Without further ado, please enjoy.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

When it comes to love, our greatest enemies are often ourselves. This has never been truer than for the two men standing opposite one another at this very moment.

“Why do you _do_ that?” An angry voice fills the otherwise silent living room.

“I’m not _doing_ anything. You need to relax Jinki.” The man with feline eyes replies in the same, seething tone.

“I just don’t understand. What happened? Why is it that we are constantly fighting?” The older of the two asks, exasperated; no energy left to continue the anger and struggle. Their home has become a war zone. He sits gingerly on the sofa, his feet buried comfortably into the warm, plush rug that they had made love on only last night. “Sometimes, Kibum, I feel like you just don’t love me anymore and I wonder what we are even doing.” Jinki voices, his emotions layered thick and throat squeezing uncomfortably at the thought of not being with the man he loves.

The younger man shifts his stance slightly, his body language still uncomfortable but less defensive than just a few moments ago as he takes in the words and the emotions that blanket the room in some sort of stalemate. They’ve been here before, a few times and it feels like they are living in a never ending loop of charades and acting. Their actions are false but their hearts beat true. It’s an unsettling feeling, one that they can’t seem to solve.

“Of course I love you Jinx. I love you more than anyone in this world. That’s why I can’t understand it. If I love you so much, why can’t we get past this? Why can’t we fix whatever is wrong?” His tone is light and soft as he kneels in front of his still-sitting partner of four years. “Is it… do you not love _me_ anymore? Is that it?” He questions with sad eyes and not an ounce of the anger and malice from just a moment ago.

“I love you Kibum. I always have and I always will. I’m sorry, I just… things seem too hard, too difficult. We’re in love, things shouldn’t be this way.” Jinki murmurs, his fingers playing lightly with his boyfriend’s where they rest on his lap.

“I know, Jinx. I know, I’m sorry.” The younger whispers and brings their lips together in a gentle but passionate kiss. It lights a fire inside them, a flicker of lust; it also brings a sinking feeling of dread, like their stomachs have been plunged into the depths of the ocean and they are fighting to stay afloat.

Clothes are strewn across the living room floor, hard muscles shift beneath the elder’s frame as he looms over his boyfriend from their new position on the couch. Lightly tanned skin contrasting against the alabaster marble that is Kibum; smooth polished lines and jagged angles create a picture of beauty splayed beneath Jinki’s bulk. Jinki’s hips shift just slightly to the right once he finds himself buried inside the younger man, Kibum is still loose from the night before and he knows to lean down and bite a small mark just under his left ear, a shudder running on cue down his boyfriend’s spine and the familiar guttural groan leaving the plush lips in a deep and satisfying moan. It’s fast and hot and all things un-romantic but the mind-blowing feelings have never been stronger. Jinki knows where to grip, when to speed up and when to slow down. Kibum knows the exact angle in which to push back, the angle that singes euphoria through their veins and ignites an inferno of pleasure within his boyfriend. Throbbing, pulsing, beating. Jinki moves further and further to the edge, the friction and heat becoming too much for him to hold back any longer. With this thought in mind he takes the opportunity to slip his digits around the younger’s heated length, increasing his pace until a shudder breaks out and rattles through Kibum’s frame, the viscous release making too much mess on the leather sofa. Jinki knows the younger is sensitive and so, allows himself to release deep into his boyfriend’s cavity.

The two men lay panting, coming down from their high and with it, their chemistry simmering away and fizzling out.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

It’s monotonous. Spending time together should be something that all couples treasure, especially with such hectic lives, but no. It used to be that way. In the past their fights were about Jinki working late or Kibum being called away during their anniversary dinner but now – Kibum sits in the car an extra five minutes after switching off the engine. There is something stressful, daunting and exhausting about walking through the front door, knowing that Jinki has the weekend off too. He heaves a heavy sigh, reminds himself how much he loves the older man and pushes the car door open, pushing his doubts aside with it.

Jinki hears the front door close and his back stiffens from his place in the living room – he isn’t sure why, it’s almost normal to him now and he can’t pinpoint when it started either.

“Hey baby, what’s for dinner?” Jinki mumbles as he tilts his head backwards from the couch and towards the doorway where his boyfriend’s slouched shoulders and slight frame stands obnoxiously.

“Jinki… don’t even start – not tonight.” Kibum mumbles back as he traipses through the living room and towards their bedroom.

“I only asked a question.” He grunts under his breath but he knows Kibum can hear him.

“Jinki. You know how to cook. You know how to pick up the phone and order food. Can you please, for once, just make a decision and do something about it? It would be nice, if one of these days I came home to food waiting and on the table.” The younger is stern in his reply.

“I thought you liked cooking? Besides, if I had made something or ordered something all I would get when you returned home was ‘I already ate’ ‘I’m not hungry’ or ‘I didn’t want that for dinner’” The older male quips back.

There is a deathly silence that follows as Kibum moves from the bedroom to sit down. Back in the day, this would have been worse than anything Kibum could respond with but now, Jinki quite likes the silent treatment; it’s like a get-out clause for not having to socialise or put in the effort.

Eventually though, he breaks it. “Chinese food?” Jinki suggests.

“No, I’m not in the mood for Chinese and before you suggest it, I don’t want fried chicken either. How about pizza or something?” The younger’s eyes barely leaving the television from the opposite side of the sofa.

“Nah, I had pizza for lunch.” Jinki muses and finally turns his head from the television to look at his boyfriend.

“I don’t have the energy for this tonight. Just sort yourself out, I’ll sort myself something later.” Kibum replies. Monotony – the word rings through his head for the second time that evening.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Jinki can’t tolerate the chit-chat and the mind numbing feeling that has been this weekend. It is Sunday evening and he feels a strange sense of relief that they are both back at work tomorrow. He still loves Kibum, he knows he does. Only, the love they seem to share is more akin to affection and care these days, rather than the chemistry and fun loving feeling that used to encompass his heart whenever they were together.

He remembers Kibum sitting him down at the kitchen table and telling him to relax because they finally had the entire week off work and he wanted to cook something special for them. He remembers that week being filled with laugher, cuddles, sex, shopping, eating and simply basking in each other’s presence and he vividly remembers the pit of disappointment settling in his stomach on the last day – knowing that they had to separate and the week seeming to have flown by too fast.

Where did those days go? Where did that feeling go? He doesn’t know when things changed but he does know that recently, the change in their relationship has never been more apparent.

Kibum knows it too. Jinki can see it in his eyes, his actions, his voice. They know each other inside and out so it is all too clear that Kibum has noticed this change too. Maybe that’s the problem. They know everything about each other now and the excitement, mystery and adventure has died. Maybe they just aren’t meant to be together. Maybe the timing is wrong. Again, he can’t answer the reason why because he simply doesn’t know. What he does know, is that somewhere down the line, they seem to have become incompatible.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The younger man feels like he is walking on egg shells every day. Tip-toeing around Jinki to not get on his nerves. Trying to take a deep breath and not be ticked off by the other. The time he takes sat in his car upon arriving home from work steadily increases. Eventually it all comes to a head, in one blistering fight.

Words are thrown, tears shed. An evening of arguments that slowly dissolve and delve into a mutual feeling of defeat.

“So, what do we do now?” Jinki asks, exhausted and eyes still stinging from previous tears. They are both slumped on the floor. Jinki’s back to the door and Kibum at the opposite end of the kitchen, resting against the table leg.

“Something has to change. We can’t keep going like this.” Kibum quivers out, his voice broken and body feeling vulnerable from the onslaught of emotions. A broken sob escapes from his throat again, contradicting his thoughts that his tears were all dried up.

“Come here” Jinki says softly, his arms outstretched towards the younger man and Kibum is shuffling on unsteady knees before falling into warm, supportive and familiar arms. He feels gentle lips pressing a kiss to the top of his head as he snuggles in further and allows Jinki’s strong, broad, jumper-clad shoulders absorb his cascade of tears. Jinki smells like home, like comfort and something in Kibum’s heart breaks at the realisation that he has to let this go. That for the sake of the both of them, he needs to extract himself from Jinki. For now though, he will use the man as his rock for the final time; he will indulge in the security and warmth for just a little longer.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Jinki arrives home the next day. The sky is a midnight blue and he rolls his shoulders as he locks the car. Work was killer, he was held back for a last minute meeting and he is ready to sit and relax.

The first peculiarity is that the lights aren’t on. His key shifts in the lock, his hand trembling because already, something feels not-quite-right. As soon as his foot crosses the threshold, he knows. The deathly silence and immaculately cleaned flat is the second sign and as he turns to close the door and notices the absence of Kibum’s car in the driveway – there is no mistake.

He walks around the flat in a daze for a while, not even turning on the light. He wants to be with his thoughts, he doesn’t want to walk into their – his – room and face the truth but his stomach pulls him from his stupor with a growl.

Flicking on the kitchen light, he bursts into tears. It is the plate of fried chicken and spicy rice that has his knees giving way and his world crashing at his feet. How is he going to get through this? Through blurred vision he looks up again at the food and notices an envelope lying beside it. With trembling digits he slips a thumb under the reverse side, tearing it open with a held breath.

_My dearest Jinki,_

_I know that leaving this way is going to be hard, but I also think that it might be easier this way too. For a while we have known that something had to give, that something had to change and it was clear, from the other night, that we both want to be our own person. Unfortunately, the way we are – the people we are – simply don’t go together anymore. We have changed over the years and now we want different things. Neither of us were willing to sacrifice being our own person and we shouldn’t have to. At the same time, neither of us wanted to let go – unfortunately, we had to. I needed to do this, for the happiness of both of us._

_I want you to know that I love you, dearly. I always will, but we need to separate and take time to find ourselves. You need to find yourself without me Jinki. You need to find your happiness for yourself. I need to be myself, to find my own happiness._

_I’ve left you your favourite meal and I hope, that sometime in the future we will be able to meet again, as two happy and well-rounded people. That we can remain friends._

_I love you Jinki, with all my heart._

_Kibummie. XOXO_

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

He cries for a good few days. When he passes the doorstep where they had their first kiss. When he wakes up to an empty bed. When the memories flood him and catch him off guard, things just get too much.

He has flashbacks to the days before Kibum, when he spent days on end in the study, working and never socialising. The younger had entered his life and rejuvenated it, brought him out of his shell and swept him up in a whirlwind of personality and life. He pauses for a moment and hopes he won’t go back to the secluded man he once was.

It takes a while, for him to adjust. For life to resume and for some semblance of normality to return.

Jinki was left feeling defeated and heartbroken but he also feels lighter, like a weight has been lifted, like he can be himself again without fear of annoying the other man. He wonders, will his heart get over Kibum? Will he ever find love like that again? If he does, will the timing be right this time? Will things work out differently? So many questions and unknowns hang in the air but maybe that is a good thing. Breaking from the mundane and not having to live every day just ‘going through the motions’ and trying not to become angry or set the other one off.

He thanks Kibum every day for making him a better person, for showing him what love and happiness was. He also thanks him for having the courage to let go – for, once again, giving him another chance at true happiness.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this turned out more angsty than I originally planned, but then again, what doesn’t. I am the angst queen haha. So my apologies.  
> For the anon who sent in this prompt, I hope I did it justice and captured what you were looking for. Sorry it took so long but I wanted to invest a decent amount of time on it and it was also quite difficult for me to capture the feelings and thoughts of the song and the prompt and what I had in my head.
> 
> If you enjoyed this, comments, likes and upvotes etc… would be highly appreciated. 
> 
> All my love,  
> Xx L xX


End file.
